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Journey to Promethea
- Look at that beautiful landscape!
- Fantastical music!
- Castle in the clouds!
- Renn faire?
- The renn faire was captured?
- Moses and his people wandering?
- They’ve occupied the land since the beginning of the universe?
- Holy land?
- What is this?
- So Dan… we have you to blame…
- Years later, right before Renn faire opens…
- It’s great that we get to watch a cow being milked
- “Treat her like you treat yourself… slow tugs…”
- “You don’t milk another man’s cow.”
- Slovenly king Zane
- I feel like this jester is going to die
- Yup, dead.
- Moses has been born?
- You know the child is of age, but you don’t know who he is…who verified this?
- He possess the light of the great warrior in his eyes
- Prophecy exposition
- Renn faire is traveling on foot to the next fair location…
- Jokes about how bad people smell
- For being oppressed wanderers with no home, these people are awfully well dressed
- All these warrior guards are wearing tights
- And we shall burn Lord Vader’s helmet upon the pyre…
- Cock!
- Goofy comedy while we watch a dude chasing a teleporting cock
- This little person’s hands are disproportionately huge
- Why does this person who is clearly not of the renn faire care about the prophecy being fulfilled?
- Zane is wrapped in a rug, now, back to playing blanket fort!
- Hey look, this guy who plays Ari is also Peter Abernathy in Westworld
- When did this guy have time to load a bolt in the crossbow?
- So, this guy just found out he’s the warrior leader of his people and now he’s challenging some random guy with some serious trashtalk? He seems like an idiot.
- Why do all these people have processed voices?
- Shakey-cam can’t keep Ari’s head in the frame
- Burned at the steak? Like, at the Renn faire?
- “Were you in the king’s army?” “I will not discuss that.” So that’s a yes?
- You have ONE job! Keep the actors in frame!
- King Zane, playing with a dagger.
- Check him immediately! Just a little grope…
- Flogging is not the same as flaying, just fyi
- Ari has a crossbow, but no quiver of bolts
- This poetry is bad.
- Lessons about being a man
- Peasant hunter! Says the peasant milk maid.
- The Renn faire is attacked!
- Yellow eyes of doom!
- Finally, the gate to the Renn faire!
- Little guy’s name is Gydro, who reports to the harem?
- “May I sit for a sec?” Really, a sec? That doesn’t seem authentic.
- He just goes around giving his name to everyone.
- We are unable to carry firewood… says the women, clearly sitting in front a fire burning wood.
- Music swells to show… a large stream.
- Harem out in the woods falling Gydro
- I don’t think that’s how you carry a sword?
- These heads on plates have a pulse
- Woman is singing a song about the return of Draden to the tune of the Dreidal song… Oh, I just got that, Draden sounds like Dreidal… (27:08)
- If we believe it, it’s real, isn’t it? So, Scientology?
- Listen to my processed voice!
- “But, the party has just begun.” Uh… different definition of party, I suppose.
- “You are wasting your time.” Well, he is locked in a dungeon, so by definition, wasting time.
- It’s weird how the shots in this prison are from one side completely steady, and on the other side, hand-held and constantly moving
- “Why do you no longer fight for the king?” “I told you, I won’t discuss that with you…” So, that’s a yes?
- What’s with this pompous entitled kid?
- And now for a good thrashing.
- Intercut scenes of this weak-ass sword training with bellydancing in the harem.
- It seems like the only people watching this bellydancing are the ladies of the harem, King Zane is occupied with…the strings on his pirate shirt.
- Shot of the river
- Harem ladies are still traveling
- The princess talks like she’s going on a Tinder date
- “When the time is now, the time is now.” Brilliant! (35:43)
- Awakened by fish!
- “Remember to chew!” (37:35)
- The hunter comes across old lady in the woods on Renn faire rocking chairs
- She needs a processed voice
- I don’t imagine she gets much walk-in traffic
- Binon tries to get out of Renn faire jail
- “The only way out is death!”
- “You shut your mouth you filthy beast!” (40:55)
- Traveling harem at night… fires in the woods for no reason
- Lady warriors!
- One dungeon cell is small bricks, the other is large bricks… like they are in two completely different sets
- Renn faire river murders
- That must be Ari’s wife
- Hey look, it’s Ari
- Wait, so he didn’t kill her?
- Ok, this other dude kills her
- Now, all about how awesome Ari is in battle
- By “wandering through the wilderness” you mean, from Renn faire to Renn faire?
- Where did Magnus keep that pewter mug?
- Gydro speaks gibberish as the native language of their ancestors
- Well that is clearly not a funeral pyre
- Circle of life
- Was she your sister? Was she?
- Fantastical mountains!
- Back to the forest.
- Fortune teller woman who seems to get a surprising amount of foot traffic in the middle of no where
- King Zane is upset no progress has been made
- To be fair, this one hunter is not the king’s army
- This little boy declares his dedication to King Zane
- What we need is an army of children!
- Also, an army of angry mothers!
- “This is ridiculous, we are in the shit, aren’t we?” (54:32)
- Magnus sees Excalibur before him
- Binon fights back… ineffectually
- I needed to squeeze water on my neck so badly
- Oh look, naked ladies
- Stumbling into the midst of them
- Poetry
- Charlie’s Angels?
- “I see that you are Cimillion!” Just ladies laughing at him
- Wait, are they related?
- Oh, I am totally the liberator!
- Draw Excalibur from the cloth
- I see your Shwartz is as big as mine!
- Soldiers driving Binon through the woods
- Your family is quite distinguished as milkers of cows
- Woman crawls up to Magnus while he sleeps “I think you have a lot to learn about being a lady”
- “You believe him over me?” Oh yeah… we were standing right here… and her name is Sina?
- Why is everything on fire?
- And now did she get so dirty alluva sudden? And how did she fall?
- “We are getting closer” he says, sniffing a leaf
- Ari is watching his wife floating in the sky, I guess
- Why is Gydro dying?
- I don’t understand, when people die they go to the realm of the living?
- She passes her hands a few inches from his face to close Gydro’s eyes
- I feel like half the shots in this movie take place through fire smoke
- The hunter comes across Sina lying in the woods
- And she immediately tells them where they camped
- Here, take this pewter pitcher I carry with me at all times
- Everyone is cursing the king now
- The band of heroes comes across… a random smoking stone in the woods for reasons?
- And then the hunter and his men come across the group
- Then King Zane is… watching them? WTF
- Why are there random fires on the ground in the background?
- Magnus wields his lockpicking sword to open Binon’s bonds
- And the hunter kills Ari just like that
- Why is there smoke everywhere??
- Magnus jumps in to stop the hunter from killing Binon
- Why is there smoke?
- To the glowing rock!
- So we can put the sword in it? This feels backwards.
- Why are people glowing now?
- And now mist tendrils destroy King Zane just like that, and the entire Renn faire comes out to celebrate!
- Mysterious fantasy castle shot?
- The end.
