Episode 30: Sam’s Notes

Never Open the Door

  • Thank goodness they’ve got all the credits right up front
  • The desolate hills in black and white
  • OMG, run!
  • I’ll just follow this path here…
  • “I’m just glad we get to enjoy it together.” You didn’t…
  • This guy!
  • Wicked cranberry sauce
  • It’s a little awkward? You think?
  • Well, now we know they’ve been married almost five years now.
  • So, she’s a vet?
  • Also, cat balls. Maybe man balls if you don’t shut up.
  • I’m a professional, this is what I do.
  • This movie better start happening in the next 16 seconds or I am bailing!
  • I’m pretty sure that bird came from the Shoppers.
  • Of course she’s pregnant.
  • Spit take.
  • The fact that she was drinking milk with her chicken didn’t give it away at all.
  • I hate everyone at this table and I hope they all die in glorious black and white fake blood
  • That guy who was supposed to knock on the door is five minutes late for his cue and we’re all suffering because of it.
  • Spit take #2
  • He got his chocolate milk in my mouth
  • Uh… call 911?
  • Why does she keep tasting the chocolate milk?
  • Someone kick him
  • No one understands phones
  • We should skype someone
  • Shower dreams
  • Hey man, let it snow.
  • Don’t answer the door, you’re pregnant!
  • Isn’t the door unlocked?
  • The man outside is really rude!
  • It’s probably just a joke.
  • The lights are out, no one can see, they told us so
  • She was literally right here. It’s true.
  • Why aren’t we answering the phone?
  • So they picked up a fake Tess?
  • I thought he was still breathing
  • Just test swing this here poker… ah… there we are
  • We shouldn’t investigate without the big strong men
  • Conspicuous arm scar
  • The town council has come out to welcome us
  • Sorry, hair ball
  • I answered your stupid questions AND I knew your nickname
  • His knife just changed hands
  • Your belly is squishy
  • Yes. Yes, it was the mafia.
  • Luke believes all of the anonymous texts he receives
  • Sure honey, I’ll tell you if you’re acting crazy
  • Well, as long as the teddy bears can watch
  • Where was he hiding the knife?
  • Why does your shirt have epaulets?
  • There is an enormous diamond on that engagement ring
  • You still smell good!
  • Why is she bleeding?
  • I’m going to kill you now Maria… you and your stupid milk with dinner!
  • This director really wanted to make Psycho
  • This movie should have been named “Two Tesses and a Monster”
  • Never say “we’re going to make it out of here alive”
  • Let’s just hug it out
  • So he… oh god.
  • Tears of joy
  • Shocking post credits scene!