They’ve occupied the land since the beginning of the universe?
Holy land?
What is this?
So Dan… we have you to blame…
Years later, right before Renn faire opens…
It’s great that we get to watch a cow being milked
“Treat her like you treat yourself… slow tugs…”
“You don’t milk another man’s cow.”
Slovenly king Zane
I feel like this jester is going to die
Yup, dead.
Moses has been born?
You know the child is of age, but you don’t know who he is…who verified this?
He possess the light of the great warrior in his eyes
Prophecy exposition
Renn faire is traveling on foot to the next fair location…
Jokes about how bad people smell
For being oppressed wanderers with no home, these people are awfully well dressed
All these warrior guards are wearing tights
And we shall burn Lord Vader’s helmet upon the pyre…
Cock!
Goofy comedy while we watch a dude chasing a teleporting cock
This little person’s hands are disproportionately huge
Why does this person who is clearly not of the renn faire care about the prophecy being fulfilled?
Zane is wrapped in a rug, now, back to playing blanket fort!
Hey look, this guy who plays Ari is also Peter Abernathy in Westworld
When did this guy have time to load a bolt in the crossbow?
So, this guy just found out he’s the warrior leader of his people and now he’s challenging some random guy with some serious trashtalk? He seems like an idiot.
Why do all these people have processed voices?
Shakey-cam can’t keep Ari’s head in the frame
Burned at the steak? Like, at the Renn faire?
“Were you in the king’s army?” “I will not discuss that.” So that’s a yes?
You have ONE job! Keep the actors in frame!
King Zane, playing with a dagger.
Check him immediately! Just a little grope…
Flogging is not the same as flaying, just fyi
Ari has a crossbow, but no quiver of bolts
This poetry is bad.
Lessons about being a man
Peasant hunter! Says the peasant milk maid.
The Renn faire is attacked!
Yellow eyes of doom!
Finally, the gate to the Renn faire!
Little guy’s name is Gydro, who reports to the harem?
“May I sit for a sec?” Really, a sec? That doesn’t seem authentic.
He just goes around giving his name to everyone.
We are unable to carry firewood… says the women, clearly sitting in front a fire burning wood.
Music swells to show… a large stream.
Harem out in the woods falling Gydro
I don’t think that’s how you carry a sword?
These heads on plates have a pulse
Woman is singing a song about the return of Draden to the tune of the Dreidal song… Oh, I just got that, Draden sounds like Dreidal… (27:08)
If we believe it, it’s real, isn’t it? So, Scientology?
Listen to my processed voice!
“But, the party has just begun.” Uh… different definition of party, I suppose.
“You are wasting your time.” Well, he is locked in a dungeon, so by definition, wasting time.
It’s weird how the shots in this prison are from one side completely steady, and on the other side, hand-held and constantly moving
“Why do you no longer fight for the king?” “I told you, I won’t discuss that with you…” So, that’s a yes?
What’s with this pompous entitled kid?
And now for a good thrashing.
Intercut scenes of this weak-ass sword training with bellydancing in the harem.
It seems like the only people watching this bellydancing are the ladies of the harem, King Zane is occupied with…the strings on his pirate shirt.
Shot of the river
Harem ladies are still traveling
The princess talks like she’s going on a Tinder date
“When the time is now, the time is now.” Brilliant! (35:43)
Awakened by fish!
“Remember to chew!” (37:35)
The hunter comes across old lady in the woods on Renn faire rocking chairs
She needs a processed voice
I don’t imagine she gets much walk-in traffic
Binon tries to get out of Renn faire jail
“The only way out is death!”
“You shut your mouth you filthy beast!” (40:55)
Traveling harem at night… fires in the woods for no reason
Lady warriors!
One dungeon cell is small bricks, the other is large bricks… like they are in two completely different sets
Renn faire river murders
That must be Ari’s wife
Hey look, it’s Ari
Wait, so he didn’t kill her?
Ok, this other dude kills her
Now, all about how awesome Ari is in battle
By “wandering through the wilderness” you mean, from Renn faire to Renn faire?
Where did Magnus keep that pewter mug?
Gydro speaks gibberish as the native language of their ancestors
Well that is clearly not a funeral pyre
Circle of life
Was she your sister? Was she?
Fantastical mountains!
Back to the forest.
Fortune teller woman who seems to get a surprising amount of foot traffic in the middle of no where
King Zane is upset no progress has been made
To be fair, this one hunter is not the king’s army
This little boy declares his dedication to King Zane
What we need is an army of children!
Also, an army of angry mothers!
“This is ridiculous, we are in the shit, aren’t we?” (54:32)
Magnus sees Excalibur before him
Binon fights back… ineffectually
I needed to squeeze water on my neck so badly
Oh look, naked ladies
Stumbling into the midst of them
Poetry
Charlie’s Angels?
“I see that you are Cimillion!” Just ladies laughing at him
Wait, are they related?
Oh, I am totally the liberator!
Draw Excalibur from the cloth
I see your Shwartz is as big as mine!
Soldiers driving Binon through the woods
Your family is quite distinguished as milkers of cows
Woman crawls up to Magnus while he sleeps “I think you have a lot to learn about being a lady”
“You believe him over me?” Oh yeah… we were standing right here… and her name is Sina?
Why is everything on fire?
And now did she get so dirty alluva sudden? And how did she fall?
“We are getting closer” he says, sniffing a leaf
Ari is watching his wife floating in the sky, I guess
Why is Gydro dying?
I don’t understand, when people die they go to the realm of the living?
She passes her hands a few inches from his face to close Gydro’s eyes
I feel like half the shots in this movie take place through fire smoke
The hunter comes across Sina lying in the woods
And she immediately tells them where they camped
Here, take this pewter pitcher I carry with me at all times
Everyone is cursing the king now
The band of heroes comes across… a random smoking stone in the woods for reasons?
And then the hunter and his men come across the group
Then King Zane is… watching them? WTF
Why are there random fires on the ground in the background?
Magnus wields his lockpicking sword to open Binon’s bonds
And the hunter kills Ari just like that
Why is there smoke everywhere??
Magnus jumps in to stop the hunter from killing Binon
Why is there smoke?
To the glowing rock!
So we can put the sword in it? This feels backwards.
Why are people glowing now?
And now mist tendrils destroy King Zane just like that, and the entire Renn faire comes out to celebrate!
