Episode 53: Sam’s Notes

Journey to Promethea

  • Look at that beautiful landscape!
  • Fantastical music!
  • Castle in the clouds!
  • Renn faire?
  • The renn faire was captured?
  • Moses and his people wandering?
  • They’ve occupied the land since the beginning of the universe?
  • Holy land?
  • What is this?
  • So Dan… we have you to blame…
  • Years later, right before Renn faire opens…
  • It’s great that we get to watch a cow being milked
  • “Treat her like you treat yourself… slow tugs…”
  • “You don’t milk another man’s cow.”
  • Slovenly king Zane
  • I feel like this jester is going to die
  • Yup, dead.
  • Moses has been born?
  • You know the child is of age, but you don’t know who he is…who verified this?
  • He possess the light of the great warrior in his eyes
  • Prophecy exposition
  • Renn faire is traveling on foot to the next fair location…
  • Jokes about how bad people smell
  • For being oppressed wanderers with no home, these people are awfully well dressed
  • All these warrior guards are wearing tights
  • And we shall burn Lord Vader’s helmet upon the pyre…
  • Cock!
  • Goofy comedy while we watch a dude chasing a teleporting cock
  • This little person’s hands are disproportionately huge
  • Why does this person who is clearly not of the renn faire care about the prophecy being fulfilled?
  • Zane is wrapped in a rug, now, back to playing blanket fort!
  • Hey look, this guy who plays Ari is also Peter Abernathy in Westworld
  • When did this guy have time to load a bolt in the crossbow?
  • So, this guy just found out he’s the warrior leader of his people and now he’s challenging some random guy with some serious trashtalk? He seems like an idiot.
  • Why do all these people have processed voices?
  • Shakey-cam can’t keep Ari’s head in the frame
  • Burned at the steak? Like, at the Renn faire?
  • “Were you in the king’s army?” “I will not discuss that.” So that’s a yes?
  • You have ONE job! Keep the actors in frame!
  • King Zane, playing with a dagger.
  • Check him immediately! Just a little grope…
  • Flogging is not the same as flaying, just fyi
  • Ari has a crossbow, but no quiver of bolts
  • This poetry is bad.
  • Lessons about being a man
  • Peasant hunter! Says the peasant milk maid.
  • The Renn faire is attacked!
  • Yellow eyes of doom!
  • Finally, the gate to the Renn faire!
  • Little guy’s name is Gydro, who reports to the harem?
  • “May I sit for a sec?” Really, a sec? That doesn’t seem authentic.
  • He just goes around giving his name to everyone.
  • We are unable to carry firewood… says the women, clearly sitting in front a fire burning wood.
  • Music swells to show… a large stream.
  • Harem out in the woods falling Gydro
  • I don’t think that’s how you carry a sword?
  • These heads on plates have a pulse
  • Woman is singing a song about the return of Draden to the tune of the Dreidal song… Oh, I just got that, Draden sounds like Dreidal… (27:08)
  • If we believe it, it’s real, isn’t it? So, Scientology?
  • Listen to my processed voice!
  • “But, the party has just begun.” Uh… different definition of party, I suppose.
  • “You are wasting your time.” Well, he is locked in a dungeon, so by definition, wasting time.
  • It’s weird how the shots in this prison are from one side completely steady, and on the other side, hand-held and constantly moving
  • “Why do you no longer fight for the king?” “I told you, I won’t discuss that with you…” So, that’s a yes?
  • What’s with this pompous entitled kid?
  • And now for a good thrashing.
  • Intercut scenes of this weak-ass sword training with bellydancing in the harem.
  • It seems like the only people watching this bellydancing are the ladies of the harem, King Zane is occupied with…the strings on his pirate shirt.
  • Shot of the river
  • Harem ladies are still traveling
  • The princess talks like she’s going on a Tinder date
  • “When the time is now, the time is now.” Brilliant! (35:43)
  • Awakened by fish!
  • “Remember to chew!” (37:35)
  • The hunter comes across old lady in the woods on Renn faire rocking chairs
  • She needs a processed voice
  • I don’t imagine she gets much walk-in traffic
  • Binon tries to get out of Renn faire jail
  • “The only way out is death!”
  • “You shut your mouth you filthy beast!” (40:55)
  • Traveling harem at night… fires in the woods for no reason
  • Lady warriors!
  • One dungeon cell is small bricks, the other is large bricks… like they are in two completely different sets
  • Renn faire river murders
  • That must be Ari’s wife
  • Hey look, it’s Ari
  • Wait, so he didn’t kill her?
  • Ok, this other dude kills her
  • Now, all about how awesome Ari is in battle
  • By “wandering through the wilderness” you mean, from Renn faire to Renn faire?
  • Where did Magnus keep that pewter mug?
  • Gydro speaks gibberish as the native language of their ancestors
  • Well that is clearly not a funeral pyre
  • Circle of life
  • Was she your sister? Was she?
  • Fantastical mountains!
  • Back to the forest.
  • Fortune teller woman who seems to get a surprising amount of foot traffic in the middle of no where
  • King Zane is upset no progress has been made
  • To be fair, this one hunter is not the king’s army
  • This little boy declares his dedication to King Zane
  • What we need is an army of children!
  • Also, an army of angry mothers!
  • “This is ridiculous, we are in the shit, aren’t we?” (54:32)
  • Magnus sees Excalibur before him
  • Binon fights back… ineffectually
  • I needed to squeeze water on my neck so badly
  • Oh look, naked ladies
  • Stumbling into the midst of them
  • Poetry
  • Charlie’s Angels?
  • “I see that you are Cimillion!” Just ladies laughing at him
  • Wait, are they related?
  • Oh, I am totally the liberator!
  • Draw Excalibur from the cloth
  • I see your Shwartz is as big as mine!
  • Soldiers driving Binon through the woods
  • Your family is quite distinguished as milkers of cows
  • Woman crawls up to Magnus while he sleeps “I think you have a lot to learn about being a lady”
  • “You believe him over me?” Oh yeah… we were standing right here… and her name is Sina?
  • Why is everything on fire?
  • And now did she get so dirty alluva sudden? And how did she fall?
  • “We are getting closer” he says, sniffing a leaf
  • Ari is watching his wife floating in the sky, I guess
  • Why is Gydro dying?
  • I don’t understand, when people die they go to the realm of the living?
  • She passes her hands a few inches from his face to close Gydro’s eyes
  • I feel like half the shots in this movie take place through fire smoke
  • The hunter comes across Sina lying in the woods
  • And she immediately tells them where they camped
  • Here, take this pewter pitcher I carry with me at all times
  • Everyone is cursing the king now
  • The band of heroes comes across… a random smoking stone in the woods for reasons?
  • And then the hunter and his men come across the group
  • Then King Zane is… watching them? WTF
  • Why are there random fires on the ground in the background?
  • Magnus wields his lockpicking sword to open Binon’s bonds
  • And the hunter kills Ari just like that
  • Why is there smoke everywhere??
  • Magnus jumps in to stop the hunter from killing Binon
  • Why is there smoke?
  • To the glowing rock!
  • So we can put the sword in it? This feels backwards.
  • Why are people glowing now?
  • And now mist tendrils destroy King Zane just like that, and the entire Renn faire comes out to celebrate!
  • Mysterious fantasy castle shot?
  • The end.