Episode 77: Sam’s Notes

Goatsucker

  • Alright, we’re in the woods
  • This woman is running in the woods
  • There’s a murder shack in the woods, seems like a perfect place to hide
  • Oh, it’s HER murder shack, got it
  • Did someone really put a cute little fence around the porch of this murder shack?
  • It’s here!
  • Well obviously she gets murdered…
  • So this movie is pretty much just about hiking in the woods?
  • Oh, nevermind, we’re driving in the woods now.
  • Ah man, this is some great B-roll right here!
  • Damnit, why wasn’t I looking at my cellphone?
  • Slo-mo goatsucker
  • OK, but Puerto Rico is a bit of a swim from “our backyard”
  • And there is no chance whatsoever that something else could mutilate animals, it’s SCIENCE!
  • Slo-mo shredded
  • Hiking is a dangerous sport
  • What hiker is looking for hairs in the forest?
  • Obviously these hairs could only come from a goatsucker, because SCIENCE!
  • Slo-mo goatsucker
  • Slo-mo goatsucker
  • Please tell me this scientist is giving the intro for the Goatsucker Hiking Tour(™)
  • Not only do I DARE, but I also say no to drugs!
  • Hidden Valley, not just for Ranch dressing anymore!(™)
  • Places to never wear red shirts, Star Trek, and Hidden Valley.
  • Waynes the new guy, everyone is going to pick on him… starting with this lady
  • She’s smart, she wears camo
  • As a general rule, I assign the people with flasks to be sweepers
  • I can tell you’re new by the backpack and also you’re young enough to be my grandchild
  • What did this guy lose in his shirt pocket?
  • Eugene knows things…
  • I’m actually impressed this guy counted to four, so let’s not push it…
  • Yup, we just got a “sucker” gag for the pretty girl, but thankfully, she begged his pardon, so we’re good
  • Holy shit, there are no coincidences in goatsucker country
  • Thou art not impressed
  • Thank god, chivalry is not dead!
  • Wayne art not impressed by your “cushions”
  • But hey, at least Wayne is wearing camo pants…
  • Pam does not believe in sisterhood
  • Damnit, now I really want bobbleheads of all these bubbleheads
  • I am not emotionally prepared for the amount of sexual harassment this early in the movie
  • Hop on in here Eugene… come on… hop up… hop… HOP EUGENE!
  • At this rate, I’ll be messy drunk in 45 minutes!
  • Wanna buy some firewood?
  • This guy is reconsidering all of his life decisions…
  • I get it, she’s a girl
  • Eugene just visually stripped this girl naked
  • Yup, that happened. Do I need to start counting all the “bad touch” in this movie?
  • Your seat cushions can also be used as theoretical floatation devices, but Wayne is having none of it
  • Wayne is going to investigate this mysterious laughing…
  • Entre Heidi
  • Eugene only sometimes knows what humans look like
  • So all these people simultaneously got the tour date wrong… including the guy driving the tour truck… Got it. Wink.
  • Goatsuckers are so lame…
  • Wayne would kick a can right now if there was a can
  • Margaret didn’t show, have you checked the murder shack?
  • Why are we yelling into the radio?
  • We have clearly established no one knows where Margaret is
  • Man, you fucked up my paper throwing game!
  • Heidi is such a mother earth tour
  • I get it, this tour is a lie
  • Mr. Walters needs to speak up, I’m not sure this radio can hear him
  • Ties are complicated
  • Look, bears maul people too
  • Cassy was there, alright, she was there… with a bag of popcorn
  • Well, you could be a real man and drug her and keep her tied to your bed…
  • Yup, she is definitely not going to leave anyway
  • And the prize for least sincere waving ever goes to…
  • I like the sound of “idiot bag”
  • Bra size joke
  • This guy is too good at guessing women’s sizes
  • Oh I get it, idiot bag contains clothes for the idiots who don’t understand what the outdoors is
  • So, it’s like a hiking killswitch? Because that worked really well for Margaret
  • Sold all my firewood…
  • Meanwhile, in this out of focus shot…
  • Rhonda is such a dumbass
  • Notice the natural ferns down there… we keep all the unnatural ferns further up the hill
  • Wayne just needs to take the edge off
  • I think Eugene actually just visually raped Rhonda… for her own safety, of course
  • Rhonda is such a dumbass
  • Dumbass
  • Oh my god… who left all this paint here?
  • Quick, stand still and scream!
  • SCIENCE! Is fake
  • Mr. Walters has a PhD in advertising
  • If all goatsuckers did was suck goats, no one would have made a movie about it
  • Stuttering is funny
  • Suck this Mr. Walters!
  • Wayne, CSI
  • Thank you! Now grab his butt.
  • One little bloody t-shirt and society completely breaks down
  • Alan is not down with your shit
  • But Eugene will hold you
  • But no
  • I strictly forbid worrying
  • If you see something, say something
  • And by all means, if you see something, shoot me in the back
  • Everyone in this group is now named Alan and Eugene
  • Heidi! Hold this camera!
  • Cassy knows how to be female
  • Bad touch!
  • Really? Golden Shrimp? Does it go good with cocktail sauce?
  • SHIT! Wayne’s flask is empty.
  • Chupacabra loves Twix
  • Who is Jed?
  • And then we discover that the goatsucker is just a floating claw
  • I wasn’t even supposed to be here today!
  • I don’t love you! I love Pam.
  • Alan, wait! I need to grab your butt.
  • Eugene may have just had a coronary
  • Because women be crazy
  • Hands on the wheel Brad
  • Women be crazy
  • Eugene wants to help
  • Women be crazy
  • Eugene is a true romantic
  • Women who friendzone deserve to die
  • Remind me again why Eugene has Rhonda’s picture?
  • Wayne is frequently mistaken for goatsuckers
  • Wayne is right, Pam is dangerous
  • Women be crazy
  • Now he’ll never find the keys!
  • Also, women be crazy
  • Pam has got this situation on lock
  • Haha… vitamin D deficiency, try a supplement
  • Pam, do you know anyone who wants to have a little fun?
  • Well that happened
  • Now this is happening
  • I know it’s Wayne because of the floating red torso
  • Look for this video on PornHub later today
  • Found the keys!
  • He seemed like such a nice boy…
  • Cassy is a pro-tracker
  • Still fresh…
  • I hope we find some nice juicy scat to make this PornHub offering complete
  • Is that someone who looks exactly like Eugene?
  • Here, let me get that puke off your lips…
  • Lick it… lick it! I own you!
  • The thing carrying the rock came from the woods!
  • I will blow a tiny little hole in your head if you don’t tell me the truth right now!
  • I am not drunk enough for this movie, and neither is Wayne.
  • The kitties are the best part of this movie
  • The Empire is attacking the Secret Rebel base on Hoth!
  • Alan flavored Slurpees are my favorite
  • I’m not lost because I’m drunk!
  • Parkour!
  • Now that’s a knife
  • Redneck Dundee to the rescue!
  • Listen, do you smell that?
  • Did you call me Buddy?
  • Look, instructions are hard when you’re drunk!
  • There is LITERALLY blood on his hands!
  • I only have room in my baby trailer for the young hot girl…
  • Look, instructions are hard when you’re drunk!
  • This movie is a dickteaser…
  • Do you have any more vomit? I’m getting hungry…
  • I knew those leaves were out place!
  • The big knife has a baby brother knife
  • And you sir, are no Indiana Jones
  • I see what you did there
  • She says, completely seriously
  • I get it, women are crazy!
  • Do you have a car, EUGENE?
  • It must be so hard being you, Eugene
  • Rhonda, you’re not stupid… you’re crazy
  • Yeah, maybe it is better this way…
  • Eugene’s secret is out, he’s an action photographer
  • Honesty is the foundation of every good relationship
  • Chupacabra hates friendzones
  • Bologna Pony?
  • Oh shit, that was just like Misery!
  • Did you have a wrap in your bag?
  • I was going to get rich on PornHub from what was on that camera!
  • Bobbin on that young johnson…
  • This two are meant for each other
  • Besides, you’re invisible with that camo on…
  • No offence taken, I really am a redneck…
  • This guy has intense crazy eyes
  • What?
  • Sorry, what?
  • Cover your eyes!
  • Still not drunk enough… fuck!
  • Wayne was literally walking in circles
  • Welcome to the murder barn, but good news, we have adorable kittehs!
  • Oh I get it… tarp from the truck…
  • Is that the exact same chainsaw from It Lives in the Attic?
  • Wow, the ticks in this field are going to eat me alive!
  • Yes, run toward the chainsaw noises! Women be crazy.
  • Wayne is not drunk enough for this
  • HAHAHA… Wayne, CSI
  • Also, I killed Eugene so you would love me
  • Wayne knows that’s blood because he’s a private detective.
  • And if Heidi ever woke up, there’s no way she would find her way out of that complicated gate
  • That was a statement…
  • And I thought that paddock would be a cozy place for her rest
  • Well, it was a chainsaw accident…
  • Rhonda sucks.
  • Fuuuuuck
  • Good morning crazy eyes
  • Exposition for the win!
  • This guy is an ass.
  • The Goatsucker Proxy